Animal

The Monkey That Is Half ???

Wow. OK.

So, males of different animal species use ploys like expansive antler racks and outrageous plumage to attract the opposite s.ᴇ x, but sometimes the females get adaptations for courtship display as well. Female Celebes crested macaques (Macaca nigra) seem to have developed a feature that cuts to the chase. They exploit an anatomical area that humans have only recently beɢᴜɴ to celebrate with the advent of Sir Mix-A-Lot’s discography.

There are a number of primates that boast unusually large, colorful posteriors, such as baboons. But for sheer bulbous, ʜᴏʀʀɪʙʟᴇ, in-your-face ᴀssy-ness, crested macaques are without rival. Found only on two islands in Indonesia, these monkeys are often mistaken for apes due to the apparent lack of a tail. They do indeed have tails — it’s just hard to tell with so much other stuff going on.

There is no specific breeding period for crested macaques. It’s backdoor busy season year-round, and the abundant, overinflated, zeppelin-like keisters mean the owners are primed and ready for boarding. Their lifestyle is described as “polygynandrous,” a biological term that shares the plot of Pizza Man Gang Bang V: The Pepperoni-ing.

Yes, both male and female crested macaques enjoy multiple s.ᴇ x partners, and the dirty deed is initiated when the female presents her grotesque balloon ɢᴇɴɪᴛᴀʟs to the male.

Even with all that rampant monkey boning going on, Celebes crested macaques are ᴄʀɪᴛɪᴄᴀʟʟʏ enᴅᴀɴɢᴇʀed due to habitat loss and bush meat ʜᴜɴᴛing, but can you really call it ʜᴜɴᴛing with a target like that?

Conservation efforts are being put in place, and fortunately the macaque population has stabilized. And as long as humans stay out of their way, repopulating shouldn’t be a problem for these monkeys at all.

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